Boundaries: An On-Going Conversation

Sadly, setting healthy boundaries is not taught in schools or most homes. It’s a critical skill for you now in your encore years. After spending so many years investing in careers, families, and communities, you (and many other women) feel pulled in too many directions. Boundaries help you take control of your life.

What Are Boundaries?

Setting boundaries isn’t about shutting others out; it’s about protecting your energy and well-being so you can lead a happier, more balanced life. By coaching definition, boundaries are those invisible walls you build around yourself that allow positive energy in and keep damaging hurtful energy out. Let’s take it a little further. Boundaries are your personal limits  — what and how you want people to act around you and treat you, what behaviors are okay and welcome around you, and which ones you won’t put up with. Think of them as a self-care that allows you to remain resilient and content.

Setting healthy boundaries ensures you avoid situations that drain your energy or make you unhappy. They are vital in creating a fulfilled life where you don’t feel overwhelmed or taken advantage of. If you know your boundaries and communicate them effectively, you won’t lose yourself in family, friendships, or work obligations.

Setting Healthy Boundaries:

Setting and enforcing your boundaries requires you to know yourself and communicate your needs. There’s no universal guide for  boundaries, and there’s no ‘one size fits all,’ but here are some tips to help you define yours:

(1) Identify When You’re Feeling Pushed

The first step in setting boundaries is deciding what makes you comfortable and uncomfortable. For example, you might enjoy spending time with friends but find it draining when someone monopolizes all your free time. It’s important to identify these feelings as your first step.

Reflect on what causes stress or discomfort in your life. Does constantly adjusting your schedule for others upset you? Do certain family members or friends leave you feeling exhausted or uneasy after spending time with them?

You usually know when somebody is pushing your boundaries by how you feel. Are you stressed? Angry? Agitated? Annoyed? Is there a physical feeling that tells you something’s wrong? Notice when those feelings come up and what behavior is causing them. Identify what drains your energy and minimize those things.

Boundaries should help you feel safe, supported, energetic, and happy. Perhaps you find that attending large social events is tiring, but you feel invigorated after a small gathering with close friends.

Example:
You’ve worked hard all your life, raised a family, and now you’re in your encore years. It’s your time now, and your days should be filled with activities that fill you up and bring you joy. So you want more free time and don’t want to watch your grandkids five days a week? Set a boundary. Feeling imposed on when the neighbor pops over for a chat? Set a boundary. Don’t like hearing the political arguments at your bridge club? Set a boundary.

(2) Learn to Communicate

Once you’ve defined your boundaries, share them clearly with the people around you. They can only respect your rules if they know what they are. Be open about what behaviors you will and won’t accept.

Example:
Let them know your limitations if you’re part of a community group or club that often expects you to volunteer beyond what you’re comfortable with. Tell them, “I can help on Thursdays for two hours, but I won’t be available for other commitments.” Being upfront ensures there’s no confusion.

Communicating boundaries also involves saying “no” when necessary. How people treat you in the future is shaped by every yes and no. So, if something goes against your boundaries, be ready to reject it and stand firm in your decision.

(3) Uphold Your Boundaries Consistently

Being consistent with your boundaries is crucial. While you might adjust your limits over time, you shouldn’t continually shift them based on others’ expectations. You’re teaching people how you want them to behave around you, which involves change for them. Change takes time. You need consistency and patience.

Example:
Be consistent if you’ve decided to set boundaries around lending money to family members. Even if your sister asks for help just one more time, remember your decision and stick to it. You might say, “I’ve decided not to lend money to family, and I hope you understand.”

Remember, people will only respect your boundaries if you respect them yourself. You send mixed messages if you set a rule but continuously make exceptions. It’s not always easy to say “no,” but upholding your boundaries ensures you remain true to yourself.

Setting boundaries is a form of self-respect and empowerment. As you navigate this exciting chapter of your life, remember your time, energy, and well-being are valuable. Clearly defining what you need and communicating that to others will create a life filled with joy, purpose, and meaningful connections. Embrace this opportunity to focus on yourself and set the stage for a fulfilling encore!

Join us on Facebook where boundaries are often a topic of conversation. They seem always to show up as people come and go in your life. The better you are at setting and enforcing your boundaries, the more joy and peace you have. Join us at Your Encore is Now.